Posted in Blog, First Drafts, Poetry, poetry collection, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Denial, Thy Name Is

Image result for DRINKING BINGEWhy is there never a hole for you
to crawl down when you really need one?

Why doesn’t the ground swallow you
up before you completely degrade yourself?

come back into my body sprawled
out on the kitchen floor. Every inch
of me aches like I’ve been run over
with a truck. I can taste booze and sick
and other unpleasant things in my mouth.

Oh, God, what did I do last night?

I peel myself off the floor,
coming away with a noise
like Velcro. My skin’s red
and blotchy. I feel bruised everywhere.

The worst ache is between
my legs. I feel raw, sore,
bloody and battered.
I don’t remembered where
I’ve been or who I’ve
clearly been with.

My legs buckle and
I end up bent over the
sink, puking my guts
out. My sick smells
like vodka. I didn’t
even know that was possible.

It feels like I’ve been
completely turned inside out.

Little flashes return to me –

I was on double vodka and
coke’s all night. I tried to dance
on the stage in the corner of the
bar but tripped and went sprawling.
I remember crying and puking
in the toilets. I did a sort of strip
tease on the stage and got kicked out.
There was a guy – with no face
or name. I remember a dark alley
and a zip being lowered.

Oh, God, I wish I had amnesia!

I want the memories to belong
to someone else. I don’t want to
be the woman who drinks until
vodka wafts from her pores.
I don’t want to be the kind of person
who has anonymous fucks in alleys.

This is not my life!
This is not my life!
This is not my life!
This is not my life!
This is not my life!

I shamble my way to my bedroom,
not caring how late or early it is
or whether I should be at work or not.
I just want to crawl into a warm, dark
hole and emerge several months from
now as a beautiful butterfly.
Is that too much to ask?

I collapsed on top of the bed,
not even bothering to pull the
covers over me and burst into tears.

Copyright © 2016 by Pamela Scott

This is the seventh poem of my 20 Signs Things Are NOT Okay sequence. I plan to turn each line into a separate poem. 

Posted in Blog, Fiction, Novel, Novel Planning, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Into The Darkest Places, Planning

I continued planning my new novel, Into The Darkest Places.

After the wobbly I had on Monday when I discovered all my files from years ago have been lost I’ve come to realise planning the novel will take a bit less time than I expected.

There’s a simple reason for this – much of the planning notes will be the same as The Ballad of Sarah Rose.

The character list will be practically the same except some characters were killed off in The Ballad of Sarah Rose and a couple of new ones have been included. This means about 75% of my character biographies have already been written.

I took the biographies for recurring characters from my planning notes for The Ballad of Sarah Rose and added them to the notes for Into The Darkest Places. I have about half a dozen left to write. Some are for brand new characters and some are for characters who were minor in The Ballad of Sarah Rose but will have a bigger role in Into The Darkest Places so I need to expand my notes a bit.

I did the same with my notes for the setting in The Ballad of Sarah Rose because Into The Darkest Places takes place in the same place.

My outline for Into The Darkest Places is quite long and will serve as the first draft of the Synopsis.

I just have a few character biographies left to write and then the chapter plan which will be the hardest thing of all.

Posted in Blog, Fiction, Novel, Novel Planning, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Into The Darkest Places, Planning

I continued planning my new novel, Into The Darkest Places.

I finished all my notes and planning for the ‘General Plotting’ section of my template.

This template includes:

  1. Concept: Plot summary in one sentence
  2. General Notes: Including tense, point of view and anything else
  3. Plot Worksheet 1, 2, 4 and 4: Notes about the characters, setting, conflict in the novel and resolutions
  4. Protagonist Antagonism: Notes about the inner, interpersonal and environmental struggles of the main character
  5. Story Arcs: Notes about grand, major and minor plot elements
  6. Subplots: Notes about any important subplots in the novel
  7. The Eight Point Story Arc: Notes about eight key events in the novel
Posted in Blog, First Drafts, Poetry, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Vodka Brain

I feel coldness beneath me.
Something cold and hard
presses into me. My skin
feels like broken ice.

don’t know where I am.
The room’s square and white,
too bright, too sharp and
too heavy. My face, my
eyes are burning.

I try to move but nothing’s working.
My legs are like rubber. My arms
flail wildly. I lie kicking and
moaning like a beached whale.

I’m jammed between a wall –
and something.

I start to crawl backwards, bumping
my already sore limbs into walls
and other hard things I can’t see.

I’ve wedged myself into the
corner betweem the wall and
a cupboard.

The room swims into focus.

I’m in my kitchen. I recognise it now.
Well parts of it anyway. I’m sure some
of this stuff is mine.

I don’t remember how I got here.
I try to remember last night but my
head’s full of fog. There was a bar.
A different one this time. And wine.

I don’t remember specificis, just
flashes of bright colours, loud noise
and the taste of wine.

Who did I speak to? Did I dance
with anyone? What bars did I go
to? What clubs?

My mind is empty.

I make myself a stromg black
coffee and go on the hunt for
some painkillers.

Waking up with no memory of
how I got there or what I’ve done
for the past 24 hours becomes
part of my daily routine.

Copyright © 2016 by Pamela Scott

This is the sixth poem of my 20 Signs Things Are NOT Okay sequence. I plan to turn each line into a separate poem. 

Posted in Blog, First Drafts, Poetry, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

How To Draw Attention To Yourself

You wake up; regain consciousness on
the bathroom floor, stuck down by a sticky
pile of wine and vomit.

You’re aching from head to foot. Your
bones are sore. Your face hurts.
Your head’s bounding pain, bouncing
in a disjointed manner isnide your skull.

Last night is nothing but hazes flshes and sounds.

There was a bar. There was music, loud poudning
music that made you feel like you were bouncing
off the wall. There was vodka and wine and beer
and many interesting things in between. There were
faces floating in and out of focis. There was noise.

You roll over onto your back, crying out
in pain when your head flops to one side.

You bounced from one room to the next,
checking out the damage from this
week’s binge.

The house looks like it’s been destroyed
by a rogue bulldozer.

You go from room to room picking
up items of clothing, empty bottles
and mopping up vomit. The house
stinks of booze and sick so
you throw open all the windows.

You realise it’s almos t 4am.
You have no recellection of where
you were or what you did after about 10pm

You throw open the back door and carry
the bin-bag of empty bottles outside.
You try to ignore how bulky and heavy it is.

You stumble down the back steps, buckled
under the weight of the empty bottles. You
clatter and smash your way to the bin. A
light goes on in almost every window around you.
You lift the lid and chuck the bottles inside.
The smash they make is deafeaning at 4am.

You make your way back inside, stopping
once to throw up right nex to the back door.

You realise with mounting horror that this has
become your weekly routine – coming awake
after from a drunken stupour and desperately
trying to cover your tracks.

Copyright © 2016 by Pamela Scott

This is the fifth poem of my 20 Signs Things Are NOT Okay sequence. I plan to turn each line into a separate poem. 

Posted in Blog, Fiction, First Drafts, Short Story, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Lone Woman, Walking The Streets At Night, Part 2

I started writing the 1st draft of my new story, Lone Woman, Walking The Streets At Night.

I wrote the second section.

Later that night, the same woman is in a dive of a bar commanding the dance-floor. The group of men come in. The man she spoke to earlier approaches her, much to the chagrin of his friends. They dance, full-on, grinding against each other. He looks deliriously happy.

This story is shaping up well. I’m pleased with it.

Posted in Blog, Fiction, Novel, Novel Planning, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Into The Darkest Places, Planning

I continued planning my new novel, Into The Darkest Places.

I have a template within One Note that I use to plan my novels. The template includes general notes about the plot, notes about the setting, character biographies, a synopsis and chapter plan.

The template is split into several sections:

  1. General Plotting which includes various worksheets to help me work out the key plot elements
  2. Setting which lets me make notes about where the novel is set, whether it’s a real or fictional place
  3. Character list
  4. Character biographies for main characters, secondary character and minor characters
  5. Synopsis
  6. Chapter plan

I started working on the General Plotting section.

Posted in Blog, Fiction, First Drafts, Short Story, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

Lone Woman, Walking The Streets At Night, Part 1

I started writing the 1st draft of a new story.

The working title is Lone Woman, Walking The Streets At Night.

I had the idea for this story one-day last week. I was working until 10pm. My partner came to pick me up and we walked home together. I had this idea as we were walking through an underpass which was much darker and a bit spookier than it is during the day.

The story is about a succubus, a beautiful woman who prowls the city streets in search of the perfect mate. The story will never mention what the women is but there will be enough clues for a reader to work out. The story will be quite gory at some points.

The story will be split into sections. I wrote the first one.

A beautiful woman walks through a city centre at night. She draws a lot of attention, particularly from a group of rowdy, drunken young men. She stops and beckons the ring leader with one finger. He approaches her and she whispers something in his ear. He stares at her with a goofy expression on his face. She saunters off and he stares after her.

 

Posted in Blog, Novel, Novel Planning, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

New Novel Meltdown

I started planning my new novel.

After dithering back and forth between two ideas I finally settled on another crime novel. the sequel to The Ballad of Sarah Rose that I completed last year.

The working title is Into The Darkest Places.

I’ve already had a rough draft of this novel written for years as well as extensive notes and planning.

I plan my novels thoroughly in advance. I can’t start with a rough idea in my head. I need to know the characters and where the plot is going or I freeze and can’t write a thing.

Some events in the novel will need to change because of things that happen in The Ballad of Sarah Rose. I thought it would take a couple of hours to tweak the chapter plan.

I’ve lost all of the files for this novel. The original working title was Ordinary World. I have a one-page outline and that’s all. My rough draft and all my planning including the chapter plan and character biographies are gone.

I’m sort of freaking out right now.

I never printed anything out so there’s no use going through my filing cabinet. I went through every file on my USB stick even ones where I knew I wouldn’t have saved it. A while ago I transferred all the files from CD-RW discs to a USB stick and wiped everything from my hard drive. The files have obviously got lost during transition.

I don’t know whether to laugh like a maniac or cry until not runs down my face.

So much work lost. I should be grateful I haven’t written nine drafts and lost it all.

I just need to start at the beginning and plan it all again. The trouble is I know the version I end up with won’t be as good as my initial idea and I’ll forget loads of stuff.

 

 

Posted in Blog, Fiction, First Drafts, Short Story, Writing Journal, Writing Notebook, Writing Stuff

All The Little Pieces Of Me, Part 8

I finished the 1st draft of my story All The Little Pieces of Me.

A woman returns to the house where she grew up following the death of her mother. Her father died many years before. She finds an old trunk in the attic filled with objects from her past. These objects trigger long-repressed memories of her unhappy childhood, struggles with her sexuality and the reasons she was estranged from her parents for so long.

I wrote the eighth and final section. This is set in the present.

My main character packs away the things she found in the trunk. She thinks about the last time she saw her parents and how they never forgave her for being gay.

She gets a phone-call from her long-term girlfriend who offers to come and help her clear out her parent’s house. She agrees and they make plans.